Asshole Poem

Pull yourself together, Jesus said.
Think of how an umbrella is
like a composed statesman
after a rainstorm. How he draws
himself in. Can’t you be more
retractible like that? Collapsible
as a magic cup? But I thought
only: ducks, shaking out their wings,
secondhand rain flying
in everyone’s faces,
pissing off the swans
who act like rap stars in lobbies.
And then quacking, in despair,
I rolled my eggs into the creek,
because they were only more ducks,
passive-aggressive despair,
like the rain. Like the rain,
I am a badass.